The Post-Rockist

Carl Perkins - Gone, Gone, Gone
(from Carl Perkins Dance Album)

The Tall Boy - Same Size Girlfriend
(from Go Forth)

The Smiths - Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others
(from The Queen is Dead)

Well, that must be my gal, your’s don’t look like that
Yeah, that must be my gal, your’s don’t look like that
I know my baby, she’s so round and fat
…is a great verse.

Some girls are bigger than others
Some girls are bigger than others
Some girls’ mothers are bigger than other girls’ mothers
…is a fabulously cheeky chorus.

Same size of girlfriend
Different size of mind
…well now that just sounds a little snarky, doesn’t it?

I was just watching NBC’s The Biggest Loser, which was trying to give its shrinking participants health tips on how to enjoy their Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners without having to worry about counting calories, minutes before having them race around a dirt track with colorful weights tied to their waists. Try as they might, but the producers of The Biggest Loser can’t fool me. This winter my ambitions are purely plus-size.  Steak and eggs, baked beans and sausage, tomato slices and toast, two pots of coffee and a Cinnabon. And that’s just for breakfast, the most important, energizing meal of the day; important energy that won’t be put to any better use than to watching prime time television on my sagging couch and complaining about it later on an unpopular website. For lunch, since I’m so busy, I need to get something quick and easy, and nearly impossible to digest, something like a triple-decker bacon cheeseburger and orange soda. And later, if I’m still hungry, which I will unvariably be, I can treat myself to a KFC Famous Bowl, with its delictable combination of mashed potatoes, sweet corn, popcorn chicken, gravy, and a three-cheese blend all in one easy-to-consume bowl. Mmmm, lordy, I can already hear my bowels singing in expectant praise of the KFC Famous Bowl’s safe passage through my system. I’ll have mine with extra cheese, please. But dinner, without a doubt, is the whole reason for being forklifted out of bed and throwing on a lumpy holiday sweater in the morning. Roasted leg of lamb, deep fried turkey, seven-cheese baked macaroni, mid-Atlantic crab cakes, pulled pork BBQ, smoked brisket, garlic mashed potatoes, jalapeno corncakes, Caesar salad, and, last but not least, a healthy serving of fruitcake for dessert. Is it really a day well lived if I didn’t eat the meat of at least five different creatures?

Now you know as well as I do that I can continue to shove food into my slick, greasy face until I sweat pure gravy, my eyes plump into Jet-Puffed marshmallows, and my hair turns into spaghetti - a portentous lump of lovable lard. But, come on readers, it’s no fun to pack on these pounds by my lonesome. I’m supplying some tasteful tunes for weight gain, from the likes of Carl, Moz, and the Tall Boy, won’t you be so kind as to pass me some figgy pudding?

-Posted by Todd